


Lycan Eyes

by AtlasMoon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Hogwarts, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Slow Burn, a lot of introspection and exploration of Remus and his mental state, like very very slow burn, might add more tags we'll see, only mostly canon compliant will probably diverge after the hogwarts years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25615378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtlasMoon/pseuds/AtlasMoon
Summary: A recollection of Remus' life, mainly through his time at Hogwarts, and after, and his relationship with one Sirius Black.OrA tale of friendship and confusion and trauma and eventually love.(No archive warnings but Teen and up audiences for language and discussions around sensitive topics, i'll warn in each chapter)
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, minor James/Lily in the backgorund at some point
Kudos: 1





	Lycan Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck jkr, All my homies hate jkr. I'm a bi trans boy writing this out of spite, she can't take Remus from my gay trans hands.
> 
> Anyway, possible warnings for this chapter: brief discussions of nightmares, and the physical aspect of werewolf transformations.

It's generally believed that children begin to properly form memories between the ages of two and three, but that most of the ones that will stick come after the age of seven.

Remus barely had any memories of what it was like to not be a werewolf.

Sometimes he thought that it was probably better that way. After all, it was already painful enough to deal with his monthly transformations and all that came along with them without having a constant reminder of what it felt like to live free of them. Any memory he held that preceded the age of five felt disconnected enough from anything else that the only thing that truly set it apart was a sense of innocent freedom that he could hardly conceptualize anymore. 

But then again, that may have just been how he saw things retrospectively, it was hard to tell.

It also meant he couldn't remember how things had been before, if the tension and hushed arguments that he pretended not to notice were new or not. 

That was also probably for the better. 

But, he couldn't help but feel that, just like everything else that he hated about his life, it was caused by his lycanthropy. Because unlike him, his parents did remember. 

He thought about it, sometimes. Many times. He thought about the child his parents were still grieving everytime they looked at him with pity, and worry, and in his dad's case, guilt. He could understand that they loved him, and that they wanted to give him the best life they could but being treated simultaneously as a fragile object and a threatening beast was something that drove him mad.

It's why he stopped telling them about the nightmares too.

Remus had a habit of waking up in the middle of the night, in those hours between too late and too early, plagued by nightmares which he rarely remembered aside from the vague feeling of skin shifting and breaking and a shadow standing over him. They usually left him shaking, heart hammering in his chest and sweat dripping down his forehead, and they only got worse as the full moon approached, like the wolf inside him was trying to crawl its way out. 

They had started shortly after he had been turned when they had been an almost daily occurrence. For a while then he immediately ran towards his parents room after waking, trying to find some comfort, hoping for the unpleasant feelings that he couldn't quite grasp to go away. But the worry in his parents faces only made him feel worse, so he started to deal with it by himself, hoping they'd buy that they had gone away entirely. There was no reason to add an extra source of concern to their lives.

He had assumed already that he would have to deal with what he had been handed in life, he wasn't happy about it, but he couldn't see any other way.

It was on one of those nights, as he walked quietly to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and hopefully calm down, that he heard his parents talking in the living room. It was very late, way too late for even his parents to be awake still, which made him wonder what they could possibly be discussing.

Curious, he stopped just by the door, still and silent, trying to make out their words.

"I'm not sure about this" spoke his mother in a low voice.

"It's what's best for him, clearly, if Dumbledore says that he can-” responded his father only to be interrupted.

"I know what he said, but you know it's more complicated than that” She sounded agitated, and frustrated, like this was not the first time they had this conversation."I want him to be happy, you know I do, but would that really be the way? He's doing great in muggle school and that would be an easier life for him"

He'd been attending, at his mother's insistance, it was easy enough to excuse occasional absences after particularly bad nights, and it would certainly be easier for him to live in the muggle world, considering they didn't even believe in werewolves.

"But he's not a muggle, he's a wizard" He sounded just as exhaspersted as her "It's his place, it's where he's meant to be!"

”What? Is there something wrong with being a muggle now? Because in case you forgot, you married one" There was an edge to her voice now, Hope Lupin was not a woman that you wanted to anger.

"That's not what I meant and you know it"

”Do I?"

There was a pause, the tension in the air felt thick and heavy, and Remus felt terribly compelled to peek into the room. But even if he hadn't been aware of how terrible of an idea that was, his body felt completely frozen in place. At this point in the conversation he had already guessed what the topic was, and the shock was short-circuiting his brain and making it useless. You could sooner get him to stop being a werewolf than get him to move a single muscle in his body.

After all he had always been sure that there was no way he was going to Hogwarts. His parents hadn't said that to him, but he wasn't stupid. The other parents would never allow it, and honestly he couldn't even say he really disagreed, his presence would pose a danger to the entire student body. It would be selfish of him to attend knowing that, not that they'd ever let him anyway. And yet...

Finally a sigh broke the silence

"You know he's been doing accidental magic for years now, it's important that he knows how to deal with it, specially since we don't know how his condition will affect it, he needs to learn proper magic"

The second sigh, this time coming from his mother was one of defeat.

"I know, but still, I think it's too dangerous"

"Everything will be safe, Dumbledore said he had already thought through everything" He sounded almost excited now, like he couldn't quite believe the words that left his mouth were a reality, Remus couldn't quite believe it either.

"Yes, but what about our son's safety?" She still didn't seem convinced "What will happen if the other kids find out? If the parents find out? Lyall, I'm worried about what they might do to him" her voice got shakier the longer that she talked.

"We have to take the chance, and trust that the staff at the school will watch out for him" he sounded more conciliatory now, Remus could almost hear how his shoulders relaxed in the tone of his voice.

"I suppose-" started Hope, voice uncertain but tentative "that it could work"

The glee in his father's response was almost palpable "Of course! We just need to-"

Having heard enough, Remus figured it was time for him to go back to his bedroom before they noticed that he was eavesdropping. We willed his body to move and stepped quietly towards his door, closing it as silently as he could when he was inside.

He didn't fall asleep again that night, instead he thought and thought and thought and tried to come to a conclusion about how he felt about this new development, about what he should say when they told him, how he should react. There were so many ways that it could go wrong, he'd have to hide the entire time, he could hurt someone, or get hurt. But, they said that there was a way, there was a way that he could go to Hogwarts, there was a way that he could learn magic. When the morning came there was, despite all the doubts that still plagued him, one thing that was clear.

If there was a way, he had to go.

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot promise a consistent update schedule, I have plans but if I don't start posting already I won't be able to hold myself accountable to finish it. I will finish it, i promise.


End file.
